from shame to shine
How I Went From Constant Diet-Binge Cycles to a Life of Ease and Fun Around Food
Growing up my mom was an early adopter of the organic, dairy-free, soy milk life style. We didn’t have oreos, but Newman O’s!
I have early memories of telling a mom of a Pre-School playdate that I was allergic to all fruit just so I could get chocolate for dessert.
I identified so deeply with having a sugar addiction, it felt like something inevitable that I’d be fighting my entire life. Can you relate?
It seemed to me I had two choices: avoid sugar and white flour completely, or hate my body and feel sick all the time.
Hating my body came on fast and furious. I was a skinny flat chested 12 year old, but that all changed in a matter of months once I got my period.
I had no idea how to navigate the changing effects of puberty, and felt shame and confusion on a daily basis when I couldn’t fit into clothing that had fit me just a few months earlier.
I was off and on “diets” from that point on. I use quotations around the word diet because not all were traditional, label-able diets. Some were just ideas of things I had heard would help lose weight. A grapefruit before every meal, no eating past 7pm, etc etc…
These grand plans never lasted long, and the dreaded wave of shame was always waiting for me when I “failed” to have self control.
Cut to 24, and I had graduated culinary school and been working as a linecook for almost 2 years.
I was fortunate enough to cook at acclaimed restaurants like Delfina and Nopa in San Francisco, and helped open the dinner program at High Street on Hudson in New York, helping to create a dish that won best in NYC that year. (True story — and not bad for a girl that hadn't sautéed a vegetable until senior year of college!)
From the time I was young I was always sick with something, which I attributed to my sugar addiction and chronic anti-biotic use from childhood, but I finally reached my illness breaking point in spring 2016 when getting out of bed each day felt like a feat akin to climbing Everest.
Chronic inflammation, low grade fever, indigestion...I had it all. I had also had enough of the life of extreme stress, “emotional” eating, and what I felt to be my non stop sugar addiction.
At the time, I had no concept that my judgement and emotional restriction of foods were fueling my compulsion and addiction around them…But I did know that if I didn't change something soon, this life would become my status quo.
So, I threw myself into what I thought would be the cure: the world of Nutrition.
I became certified in Food Therapy through the Natural Gourmet Institute and then began my Masters of Science in Nutrition and Integrative Health at Maryland University of Integrative Health.
But I soon realized, simply knowing a shit ton about nutrition wasn’t doing much to change my habits.
I still found myself on the diet binge cycle, maybe harder than ever. I would commit whole heartedly to a Whole30, and then find myself face first into a bag of Tate’s chocolate chip cookies.
I finally took a long hard look at my life and history with food:
“Why can't I have self-control? What's wrong with me? Why can't my body look like _____'s?" Do these thoughts sound familiar? By the time I found Eating Psychology they were on repeat in my mind for a decade.
Restricting calories...Eating gluten-free...Fiber crackers at every meal...Eating only in a 6-hour window...No carbs...Looking in the mirror and seeing failure...Dreading trying on clothing...Dreading seeing how a photo turns out..."Diet starts on Monday."
This was my life around food.
From Weight Watchers, to F-Factor, to a nutritionist that had me eating 100-calorie oreo packs and fat free pudding for dessert every night...I tried everything.
Although different on the surface, there was a common thread between each of these approaches: Rigid rules, listening to someone else, and that terrible feeling of, "If I don't do this, I'm a failure."
And failure was of course, inevitable.
Something inside me felt like rebelling. I don’t WANT to do this, my intuition said, over and over.
It took 26 years and my health completely breaking down for me to wake up, and start working with my body, asking it what it needed and wanted instead of telling it what it needed and wanted.
After years of participating in and observing diet culture, I was finally recognizing the fundamental flaw of disconnection and disembodiment that was at the core of every diet.
I started working with coaches and mentors in Binge Diet Recovery space. I finally got the deep, inner healing that I had been missing all along. I couldn’t believe how much changed for me in 6 short months.
I became a certified Eating Psychology coach, but it didn’t stop there. I began putting what I learned into practice, seeing amazing results with clients, and continuing my education with some of the best coaches, mentors and experts in the world.
After years of experience personally and professionally, I have crafted an intense, 360 degree curriculum to help anyone heal from diet trauma, and end bingeing for LIFE.
It’s been almost 5 years since my last diet, and I can tell you that I never knew life could be this good or this EASY!
Being an intuitive eater changes everything. How I feel about myself when I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning, how I get dressed and walk out the door each day, how I feel on trips, at family events, weddings, on dates, every second of every day.
AND, I feel so lucky that my life’s work is now helping over one hundred women finally end their diet-binge cycling, step into their freedom, and find and ease with food and body for good.
It’s the best feeling ever!!!
<3
